Friday, February 20, 2009

Peek-A-Boo...I See You


As your body swells due to excessive weight gain, body parts vanish (or rather become submerged under layers of fat attributed to food eaten, specifically Mr. Gatti's pizza, to suppress unwanted feelings resulting from dating someone inconsiderate of your feelings who constantly...Whoa!...I interrupt this unscheduled tirade and return you to the blog...). For example your ankles and calves can merge together forming cankles (Shallow Hall, 2001 http://www.hulu.com/shallow-hal). For the safe return of my missing extremities I have considered issuing an APB (All Points Bulletin):

"An all points bulletin has been issued for two ankles. The ankles in question were last seen below my calves and above my feet. Do not attempt to apprehend the suspects, or a hostage situation may ensue."
Unfortunately, obesity results in excess fat holding your body as well as your sexy hostage. And like most hostage crisis, ransom demands are necessary to guarantee the release of what you desire most. Sooooooooo.......in exchange for a svelte silhouette my body's ransom demands are clear:
Dear Trina,

So...you want to bring sexy back? Well, you should have thought about that before cramming countless drive thru #1, #2, and #3s through your pie hole. Trina, your body would be more than happy to oblige and return all parts to their respective locations, but first we need you to do the following:

workout at least three to five days weekly, drink eight 8oz. glasses of water daily, consume whole grains (e.g. brown rice, pasta, bread, etc.), eat at least five servings of fruits and vegetables daily, incorporate a dose of healthy oils daily (2 tsp. of olive, which I sometime sneak into my morning fruit smoothies), eat or drink two dairy servings daily, devour one to two servings of lean protein daily, and take one vitamin supplement daily.

Trina, accommodate these simple demands, and your body promises to provide you with more energy and restore bodily functions (e.g. blood pressure) to their original working order...for starters. We know this undertaking appears daunting, but your body has all the confidence in the world that you will succeed in bringing sexy back.

Signed,
Your Body
P.S. We forgot to mention you need to limit your alcohol intake. Although I'm a social drinker, alcohol doesn't do the body good.
Daily, I negotiate the above demands, and in return my body rewards my vigilant efforts. Well ... today my friends, I would like you to revel with me in the joy of my latest reward. Today we celebrate the partial resurgence of my collarbone, which I might add played peek-a-boo for several years...welcome back collarbone...I see you. Why celebrate a collarbone you say?
Collarbone + Plunging Neckline = sexy!

Are still asking...why am I celebrating the resurrection of my collarbone or more technical term, my clavicle? Put simply, you don't know what you got til' it's gone. And until I bring my sexy back, I gotta work with what I got.

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Monday, February 16, 2009

The Conception of Ah...Me So Hongry!


Sooooo...Once again I'm mindlessly driving home from work (hongry I might add), and a lil ditty invades my thoughts (Tune: Me So Horny by the Too Live Crew) Ah...me so hongry...ah...ah...me so hongry...ah...me so hongy...me eat for long time...

I thought to myself...self...that sounds like an apropos title for a blog detailing my weight loss trails and tribulations. Thus, Ah Me So Hongry was conceived. And yes, I know I spelled hungry utlizing the letter o; so, before I proceed any further I should probably provide the definition of hongry.

Hongry (hon.gree): adjective derived from the word hungry. After surpassing feelings of hunger, you become what I refer to as hongy, or sometimes hongry as hell.

Honger often results in a temporary lapse of sound judgement, thus causing one to formulate insanely rash decision or for a lack of better terms, lose yo mine (translation: lose your mind). To illustrate, a local grocery store chain tortures customers around Valentine's Day by creating decadent chocolate covered strawberries drizzled in white chocolate. The sight of the lush, red-ripened strawberries and the smell of the rich, warm melted chocolate bubbling in the crock pots triggered a vision (in my mind) of me jumping on top of the preparation table, and thrusting my head into the crock pot as I bobbed for chocolate covered strawberries in the sea of warm milk chocolate. Had my honger progressed any further, my vision would have become a reality. And that's a scary thought. Picture store security restraining me as they try to forcefully remove my face from the chocolate filled crock pots' "Uh ma'am...ma'am! We're going to have to ask you to leave the store! Uh...ma'am!"

So...BAM! There you have it, the definition of hongy in a nutshell complete with a vivid example.

On a more serious note, I intend for my blog to assist others struggling with the epidemic of obesity. As I yet again attempt to change my lifestyle in hopes of losing weight, (i.e. eat more healthy, add exercise, take time for myself, etc. ), I plan to share my humorous take on my everyday sometimes zany weight loss exploits. Let me be clear, I'M NOT ON A DIET, this is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE! Many individuals confuse my lifestyle changes with dieting. Unlike dieting, which yields temporary gratification, my lifestyle changes guarantee lifelong success in regards to healthy living. Soooooooo...saying all that to say I'm taking matters into my own hand! I want to be a VICTOR, and not a VICTIM!
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