Sunday, April 15, 2012

A letter to my 16 year-old self...

Parental Advisory...this post contains profanity.  I want to advise any and everyone to write a post to your 16 year-old self. This post proved to be quite a cathartic experience. 
Dear 16-Year-Old-Me,

        Heeeeey giiiiiiirl!! Brace yourself as I drop a paramount nugget of knowledge guaranteed to rock your world. Get a load of this:
I implore YOU to heed the GOSPEL according to your MOTHER.  Believe it or not, she once walked the earth as a 16 year-old.  You may think your mother talks just to hear her own voice. I believe she intends to help, not hinder you with the information she divulges. Better to be safe than sorry; so, hear me when I say write"LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!"
Okay, time to get down to brass tacks. I must address this poor body image issue. Oooo, but first... I feel the urgent need to discuss this f***tard you call a "boyfriend."

Trina, what you perceive as love is merely infatuation. In the future that scrub inadvertently decimates  your heart and leaves you to handle the weight of the world on your shoulders. But you prevail...faced with a clusterf***k of adversity, you prevail. Word to the wise, follow your hopes & dreams, not that douche-bag. Imjussayin!

Now, the body image issues. Low self esteem much? Baby girl, mirror mirror on the wall, YOU got the bangingest body of the all. Look at you rocking that cheerleader uniform!

Okay, with regards to your body image issues, first I need to address the badunk-a-dunk...

You know that booty you dislike so much...

The booty that hikes your cheerleading skirt up, making the skirt shorter in the back than in the front... dislike that booty now, but in the future you embrace that booty and become quite the expert and authority on Booty Tooching (not touching, but tooching).

Now let's discuss the twins...

You know, those bazooms riding high on your chest...

Women spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to obtain magnificent warlocks of that magnitude! Be grateful! Rest assure...although your knockers feel like a nuisance, in the future you will embrace the twins, and showcase them with pride.

One more thing before I wrap up this letter...

 Live in the moment. No need to rush growing up. Do you want to know what waits for ALL adult?  Bills, insurmountable responsibility, bills, health hindrances, bills, emotional quandaries, and last but not least...more damn bills! 

In short, I ask that you accept AND adhere to the guidance provided in this letter. You WILL thank me in the long run! Lastly, let me leave you with this...

Savor this time of your life and make lasting memories!

Forever and Always,

P.S. You need to launch a search, find, and assault the Glamour Shots employee responsible for that picture, specifically that heinous coif.  And that hat with a net! Really?  


  1. I love this post. If we only knew then that we were wonderful. Gosh would could have saved a ton of time and effort. LOL...that glamour shot photo...enough said.

  2. That was such a nice post! I sometimes think about doing something like this, but the other way around - imagining myself as if I were 5 years older and telling myself what I should be doing now.

  3. I love this post! I'm way beyond going back to write my 16 year old self anything...she and I have discussed it all in some expensive therapy sessions. Ha ha ha.

  4. Can I tell you that I love every single thing about this post? Everything last thing you said can be applied to me! especially the tooching!!!


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